DUBAI 2011- GUEST LIST AVAILABILITY By N.Fernandes-London

To the Goan "Organisers" in Dubai...and I mean only "THE ORGANISERS "...not normal hardworking Goans. Here are the Rogues and Grand thieves of the first order, available as Guests for your functions... Tiatrs, Picnics, Dances, Carnival, May Queen Ball etc.

Early booking of them is highly recommended.

The “Grand Thieves” will also be making large donations back to you, of your own money, looted & plundered & stolen from Goa.

If the Grand Thieves cannot attend, they will send their "Social Worker" wives & daughter or their Pilot Sons, Rapists & drug Pushers.

Hot favourites for the Month of January are Ravi Naik and Mickky Pacheco.

Please note...if Ravi Naik attends, please ensure only “non –smoking” DRUGS will be consumed. These are completely invisible to him. ”Beedies” of all numbers including no. 30 are also not recommended as he thinks these are Drugs. The smell makes him lose hair.

If you have invited Mickky Pacheco...please ensure that all "RATOL TUBES" are safely locked up in the "BANK OF DUBAI"(MONEY LAUNDERING SECTION). Additionally, please lock up your wives and daughters. Also take extra precautions if Mickky shakes your hands. He is known to often scratch his very sweaty "googlies", with them. So dis-infectants such as Dettol are a must. The more concentrated the better.

Mickky must also be lodged in the Astoria Hotel, where he can perform one of his pastimes…Prostitution, with East European “Hustlers”.A few Viagra tablets will also put a smile on his face, and, more hairs on his head. He lost his hair, poor chap, due to over use of Bandanas and most recently, Bandages.

He also likes a Chariot….in Goa we call it a “wheelchair”. This is only required if he cries like a big baby.

The Astoria will assist him, to spend his profits from Immigration scams.

And do not worry…Matthew Diniz of Kentuckee Restaurant fame, will not be accompanying him. If Matthew travels with Mickky…his drug and pimping business, located in Colva sea-front suffers.

While he is in Dubai do not forget to recommend him to the nearest Laptop and Mobile shops. He is a little short on these gadgets these days.

If Churchill is invited, please ensure "Crutches" are available due to his on-going "Hip" problems. The only other known relief, is 7 days of prayer and divinity.

Please make sure that Arwin Mesquita, The Commander General, dithering Peacemaker and voice of Dubai & all UAE Goans and Churchill, are not seen at the same function /venue together. Do so, only if you wish to see a “Fireworks” display of empty words.

If Valanka is invited, please ensure ample tubes of Lipstick are available in all colours and shades. Her personal favourite is bright red. Any make will do…but “LAKME” is her preferred choice. She may require a hairdresser to preen her rather “long mane” (hair).She has given up being an Advocate and decided being a “Social Worker”. She is financially savvy, much smarter than all other Goan Girls, as she is aware, she can mint money with this profession. She learnt it from her Father. Smuggling and looting of any sort, is still her family tradition.

If you invite Dr S S Siddhu, the guy that wears a “Red Cloth” around his head“in the shape of a turban, please do not discuss the RTI.

By RTI, I do not mean "Road to India", although Goa`s Legal Champion, Aires Rodrigues, would highly recommend that route.  Aires Rodrigues would be happy as he can then, focus on the overpaid Advocate General.

The Advocate General by the way earns more than the President of India. I wonder why, how and what for.???I am sure we all would be interested in his job. It is good money for doing nothing.

Dr. Siddhu, has been sent by New Delhi as a “herdsman” to look after the 40 thieves in the Goa assembly, who are constantly looting all the Green Grass of Goa. Remember, herdsmen are not Public Figures. He will be happy to be invited, as he may wish to escape from from the noose Aires Rodrigues has thrown at him to strangle him into submission. Go on Aires. We humble Goans are with you.

If you decide to Invite Babush Monserrate...please ensure you prepare his Thanksgiving script and speech, in advance, in very simple English or Konkani. Due to unforeseen circumstances, he was unable to receive or complete any education, in Goa or Bandra (Mumbai).

If you have any properties or agriculture Fields or orchards in Panjim or Taleigao, do not mention this to Monserrate....as before you arrive or return back to Goa, they will have disappeared. Magic!!!!

He has partially given up his early years of fornication.

Monserrate has a liking for Mira Mar. He wants to build a hamlet for his thieving wife and his 2 juvenile delinquents. One of them, called Ro-hit, has graduated to rape now. The other is busy learning “the art of stoning”. Remember “Stoning “ was a biblical past-time and form of punishment.

If you do care, to invite Mauvin Godinho, rest assured he is the master architect in setting up Ghanti Nagars. He chooses rather royal names for them, such “QUEENY”. I am looking forward to PRINCEY NAGAR” & KINGS NAGAR.

So if you wish to invest some of your hard earned Dubai Dosh (Dirhams’)...he is the man to invite. He will guarantee you a nice “Ghanti Penthouse”, near Dabolim airport. You will be amongst the cream of Goan society in these Nagars.

If you invite Vishwa-shit Rane, he will advise you how to steal, cheat or block compound walls from "old Men", and increase property values. He was a known “Lothario” and womaniser in his Youth. I recently heard, that he was keen to POP the “CHERRY” OF YOUNG GIRLS”.

Now coming to the Best Guest you could invite…the crème` de la crème`…D Kamat.

At the time of writing this article, he is caught up in a tug of war with his Ministers. But I am sure , come 2011 he will be free from such a tribulations.

Before you send an emissary to invite Kamat to Dubai, please be aware that ,he spends 50% of his useful time performing opening and inaugural ceremonies.

He spends 25 % of his time shuttling between the “Goa Desk” of Goa`s 2 main Political Partys, NCP & Congress. Much of this time is also spent escaping from serious and important issues in Goa. Kamat could easily out do Houdini.

The rest of the time, he sleeps soundly in his rocking chair, tends his wafer thin moustache, and of course he has to dedicate some time to the Ghantis of Moti Dongor. These Ghantis are his bread and butter and they guarantee his elections success every time. He no longer requires Goans.

So if you do invite Kamat, please make sure you release Arwin on him too and publicise it all on ”RADIO GOA”. The Konkani Radio Station, serving the UAE with English announcements!!

Also just in case Al-Nasr is short of function space....You can book the "River Princess" located at Candolim, which is a simple ships or DHOWS journey from Dubai.  Happy New year- Dubai Organisers