JOIN GOA INSTITUTE OF CRIME….by Dalia

As usual, on sighting the bright morning light, the next thing I do every day is scanning the morning newspapers to read the usual news with a little or added pinch of salt. As usual, most of the pages of the Goa dailies are filled with advertisements or life size banners with self inserted greetings by the politicians in the names of crumb eaters some of whom does not even know that their names appeared wishing the local criminal in print.

What I saw was something unusual that caught my eye. It was a different advertisement and attracted my attention and aroused curiosity. As I went through deeper, it was a interesting topic. The advertiser was advertising for our young Goans to join the Goa Institute of Crime, “No qualification required, just attend the interview” was the highlight. I noted the details, address and reached hurriedly to the location in time to find out what’s happening, who’s interviewing whom, what sort of new type of Institute is this. As I reached the spot, I saw a huge bee line,few muscle-men trying to keep the men and women in discipline in a straight queue.

Seeing me as a very old lady, the men with huge muscles barked- “Hey Matari, this is not for you, why are you here?” I knew there was no chance for me to stand there but I wanted to satisfy my curiosity so I replied politely. “Baba, your Sir called me regarding my grandson. Moreover, I am a Senior Citizen, old lady, how will I be able to stand in such a huge queue? I am sure, the musclemen felt a bit pity or thought of getting rid of me at nuisance value and ordered to wait until the person inside finished his interview.

I was able to hear the murmurs and bursts of boasts from the crowd outside that gave me a clear picture of the Institute of Crime. Sooner, I was sent inside and a gloom look greeted me. I wished, the curious ugly guy asked me to take seat and fired his first question. “Matare, what can I do for you?” I immediately replied- “You see, I read your advertisement this morning.

I have my grandson who is interested in joining your Institute. He is 25 years of age, graduate and jobless”. The man looked in my eyes and said that he cannot provide jobs, to forget about his qualification but getting trained in his Institute should give him an opportunity of “self employment” and help himself”. For a while, thoughts puzzled my mind and curiously asked him how.

He took no time in introducing himself, “Madam, my name is Kingambor and I am ruling Goa. At the moment, there is a sharp decline of good criminals due to NG creating hardships for us. They have uneducated the people. They ask Goans not to obey my Kingship. This has created hurdles; I don’t want people to get more uneducated and stop following criminal ways of life. In this case, we shall become Susegad”.

So further I asked- “Who are your Teachers and Professors?”

He shot back “Look, I am the Principal; there will be Chachill as our Senior Lecturer on how to smuggle and not get caught. He will also advise on how to extort money and hide it. How to expand the criminal activities to the family, how to keep the crumb eaters happy by feeding them in different restaurants and never pay the bill”

Amazing, I said. He continued further- “This is not just one professor, I have also asked Die Anand Naadgaunkar from Narvem to train the boys on how to change their date of birth in official birth records to suit opportunities, how to print fake tickets and sell. He will start teaching by printing fake tickets for Caitan-Bab Transport Buses those running with failed brakes managed by my Government. Then we will train the guys to print fake currency. Fake currency has got good market demand; we will ask Motes KentuckEE to swindle or exchange it for original notes.

I was about to get off when he continued “Look madam, your grandson will learn the art of breaking police stations, banks, houses and loot government treasuries. He will never get caught in rapes or crimes. He will be well trained by our Member Professor Ambush Monster who is an expert in these types of activities. ‘Fuel and fire’ will be provided by our Associate Resident Professor and ‘man of the hour Parrot-kar’. This chap is good in making noise and escaping by preparing dossiers on others. He is also good in lighting fire between communities and let them burn. He is also the master of forgeries but with a clean skin”

I was losing my patience but the brochure was interesting so I allowed him to continue. “We will also train your grandson to be arrogant through our all time smoker Complex Squara, he is the master of all arrogance, the greatest gambler. Therefore, your son will be able to know how to push money into slot machines at the same time learn to rob the departments and blackmail the miners with blocking of environmental licenses”.

I interrupted him and asked what if my grandson wants to learn the art of womanizing as he is a shy fellow, abrupt came the answer that another freelancing Professor of Criminology and Sexology will be camping at Ratolbatim, will be available on demand. He continued “We have good and quality drugs sales trainers, the Professor is all time standby in Fondeam who is good in training on how to steal and sell drugs, never get caught. On a daily basis PSI Goodlar will deliver lectures and practical’s in our Institute on how to rob drugs from police warehouse and feed Bains-sala”

I was getting tired of the rubbish and wondered how this Kingambor thought of this noble idea, How about being getting caught for this nonsense? I queried him on this matter and pat came his answer. “Madam, if you think that we are simply investing in this project, you are foolish. We have the best trained Criminals of Goa who are in uniform. No one can challenge them, we have the woman beaters who escaped justice in Pussycat Siva from Bicholim Foolish Station, we have the full time collector and extortionist Jivacho Dalal camping at headquarters awaiting new assignment, we have Foolish personnel’s with murder records, Xanrakand Cyclegaoncar, Hardeen Pest and PI Sunnem-hata Pavant. All these criminals are the stake holders of our Goa Institute of Crime”

He further assured that whoever gets trained in his institute will be a future politician, will win elections easily as all qualities of becoming a rogue and merciless human will be embedded in them within a short period of time. “Guarantee of amassing huge wealth” he assured.

I wanted to escape, enough is enough! Got the idea on how to become a successful politician and rule Goa.

Do we Goans really want to enroll ourselves in this Institute or we want to shut it? Do we really want to make our children such bad fruits of Goa or make them great humans? Practically, we are running through these institutes of the politicians on every single day, every moment unknown to us. We need to give up the political crumbs thrown at us. We need to disassociate ourselves from the teachings and practice of these Professors of Crimes. Stop them preaching us.

And as I made my exit in total dumbness, Kigambor shouted back -"Don't be afraid, if your grandson runs into trouble, we guarantee free exit out of the country. He will be trained online by our great escapist Yaniv Beimani alias Etolo who will train our boys online from abroad on how to have a great escape to another country without a passport and evade justice, the move will have all the blessings of our Sinister from Home Dirty Kavi Naive”.